the tolerance wars - 9
settle for clues
every week
until it’s done
begin at the beginning—chapter 1
the tolerance wars
9.
settle for clues
i’m goofy coming down from your average gig, but this night i was plain stunned. i remember casing up my guitar, i don’t remember tearing down any gear. i remember somebody steering me backstage to the greenroom and putting a beer in my hand, i don’t remember drinking it. i remember waits looking like we’d all won some kind of marathon, i don’t remember a word anybody said when they came back to congratulate us. i remember seeing tony give our friend the scientist a serious hug, i don’t remember walking out the side door and into the alley. i especially don’t remember anyone following me out there.
“you taking off already?”
i remember looking up and seeing archer, standing there in the doorway, framed by the light from inside. i couldn’t see her face. trouble was all i could imagine was that smile. and i was spacey enough i knew i’d be bound to say something stupid if i wasn’t careful. so i figured i’d start with the obvious. “you’re back.” then i held myself real still. “you okay?”
there was a pause, then she nodded. i still couldn’t see her face, but it felt like there was a story there. it’d come if i was meant to hear it. “mind some company?” she asked. i figured she was being polite, checking in on a friend.
i shook my head. “i’m gonna go try and walk this off for a while. don’t know how amusing i’ll be.” to my ear that sounded like dismissal, then without thinking i added “but you’re sure welcome.”
“hang on, i’ll be right back.” and she disappeared back into the light.
i took a couple of steps down the alley and lit up. wide open like this and i was gonna take a walk with miss bright eyes. i took a drag and looked up at the streetlamp buzzing amber hard into the night whether anyone was there or not. i knew how it felt. i blew out long and shook my head. yeah i could pretty much guarantee i was gonna end up saying something real stupid. well, i had to walk. and she sure was welcome. i took another hit and laughed at myself. yeah, i’d probably be out here long enough to do laps, so we could always swing back this way if she felt like she’d rather party with the crew than hang out with mister loopy.
“what’s so funny?”
i wondered how she’d got so good at sneaking up on people. “me.” i took one last drag and pitched the rest. “as usual. you comin’?”
“any place in particular?”
“exactly not. i just gotta move.” funny, we’d talked a whole bunch over the last little while, but we’d never walked anywhere just to talk. hadn’t thought of it before. i could just make out her face in the light. yeah there was that smile. damn.
“lead on.” she said, and we headed off into the night.
the air was still and the sky was clear. even with the city lights you could see stars. it was one of those nights when spring is first thinking about maybe turning to summer and it’s finally warm enough to walk slowly if you want. we moved in silence for a while, eventually i managed to clear my head enough to remember there was someone else there. like i could forget.
i guess she must’ve felt me begin re-entry. “that was really something.”
“glad you could see it.”
“me too.” we walked on for a bit. “you were amazing.”
“yeah, that’s a brilliant crew. did you see my man? and sister has never been more right on.”
“i meant you.”
“me?” i snorted. “no way. they supply the brilliant, all i gotta do is frame it. i get the easy part.”
“you think that’s the easy part?”
“hell yeah. enough mileage and a trained monkey could do what i do. with a good amp and the right monitor mix. maybe a couple bananas.” i shook my head. “no, amazing was standing all around me tonight. my job is to clear the path, that’s all.”
she took that in for a second. “you really believe that, don’t you?”
“it’s what i do, friend.” i shrugged. “ask ‘em what they need, then serve it up straight. my favourite place to be. spent my whole life figuring out how to do exactly that.”
“it’s that easy, is it?”
i wasn’t sure what she was getting at. but i thought maybe i recognized the sound of me thinking with my mouth open. or maybe not. so i shut up and we walked in quiet while i got my head wrapped around the fact that i was walking, it was night, i was human, this was earth. when in doubt start with the basics.
after a while i remembered i wasn’t alone. “you’re back.”
“uh huh.” i could see her nod, but for that moment i couldn’t see her face.
“been okay?”
there was that pause again. “yeah.” then nothing. wasn’t pushing for clarity, that’s a trap some people set for themselves. mostly wanted her to know some of us cared. okay, i cared. we moved on. this time the silence was hers. we’d done the grand loop and swung by the club again. things were still in party mode. i nodded in that direction, wordless, offering her a graceful exit. she shook her head. we headed uptown for a change of pace.
“workin’?” i couldn’t help myself. really none of my business. still…
“sort of. yeah. i guess.” she didn’t sound real sure of herself. i wondered if maybe science was like art. sometimes there would be day after endless day where you felt you got nothing done, then suddenly something would fall into place, the world would move, an entire body of work formed in what seemed like mere hours, and you’d wonder why it wasn’t like that all the time. drove baby artists nuts. old-timers got used to it. “laying bread crumbs.” she said.
that was the sound of a door opening. but why or to what i had no idea. relax, man. her song. set up the groove. let your friend sing. i thought about it for a minute. “so you can find your way back?”
“something like that.”
i rolled it around, looking for a next note. “and did you?”
“i’m not lost yet.” we stepped through the light from old man abel’s storefront. her eyes were focused off in the distance. “not yet, anyway.” i couldn’t read the look on her face, but i remember thinking all of a sudden she looked kinda… small. funny, i’d never thought that before. then she shook it out and brought herself back. not a big move, but i was getting human enough to see it. a good sign. i let her roll it out at her own pace. then the door cracked a little wider. “i guess i went to see if i could get some answers.”
“lookin’ for clues.” like most of us. me and mine, anyway. yeah, i know that feeling.
“i’d prefer answers…” and she was gone again. body here, mind far away. like when a tune’s coming on and i’m out there trying to catch it. we walked a few paces, then she was back again. man, if she wasn’t careful that commute was gonna kill her. “…but i’ll settle for clues.”
we rounded the corner and started along wilson. the party zone was a few blocks away now, although you could still hear the yodellers. just a few. it was early yet. the sound carried up the alley as we passed by. the call of the wild.
“is this about science?” i wasn’t sure why i said that. sort of fell out of my mouth.
she didn’t answer right away. “maybe.” she did the gone and back thing again. thinking hard. keep walking, groove is about pace, let her work it out. “maybe it’s more about ideas.”
“there’s a difference?”
she was quiet for a minute. then, “science is what you can prove. that’s what makes it technology.”
“and that’s what makes it business.” even i knew that. what they used to call ‘pure science’ had been ridiculed out of existence long ago. no money in it.
she nodded. we walked. she thought. i waited. finally she said, “ideas… they’re what you can dream.”
“and that’s what makes it art.”
she nodded again, half here, half there. “but if it turns out you can prove it…”
“it might end up being business.” i thought about that. “so you better be ready, if you want to stay in business.”
“something like that,” she says. we’d come around the block and crossed in front of the other end of the alley. a horn blared in the distance, voices shouting, the sounds funnelled through like they were close by then all but disappeared as we walked past the opening and moved on.
we were both lost in our thoughts. then she said, “i remember someone saying that our biggest mistake was letting them lock up the food. then it became a privilege instead of a right. something to be sold for money, or withheld for power.’
i had no idea what to say to that. i tried to picture a world where food was free. just couldn’t imagine. no way, no how. seemed to violate some kind of natural law.
“so now,” she said, “they’re locking up the ideas.” she looked up at me, “and we’re helping them do it.”
i tried to think how that connected to what she’d said a minute ago about science and business. i could almost taste what she meant, but couldn’t quite get there. we passed another alley, the one beside the whole food store. only this one wasn’t empty. someone stepped out. not threatening, but making themselves obvious. didn’t smell dangerous, but i felt my friend stiffen. turned out she had better instincts than me.
“ah, miss archer, you have returned after all. i’m afraid you have made a foolish mistake.” i knew that voice. it was the third wise guy, the one with the bomb. i guess i wasn’t really together yet, i had no idea how to react. so i held myself still, looking for clues. i was so intent on watching the guy in front of me i didn’t even hear the car move up the street until it swung behind us. by that point my friend had tackled me hard and forced the two of us to dive into the pile of boxes inside the dark of the alley. actually, she dove. i just kind of fell with speed. i didn’t hear the shots. but i saw the bomber go down. then the car raced off. i gathered myself to run. my friend moved to the wise guy. i remember wondering if she was out of her freakin’ mind, but i was so out of my depth i could only follow.
she knelt down beside him. “are you hurt?” dude was down not out, eyes open and blinking. this only happened in the movies, so i had no idea what to expect. i noticed he was holding his shoulder. i couldn’t make out much else.
i am afraid i will require medical attention.” the voice was strained, but calm.
she looked at me. “can you get an ambulance?”
this was making no sense, but i nodded. the cops were chaperoning the party zone just a couple blocks away and around the corner.
“give me your jacket, then go get help.”
i took it off and handed it over. “you sure?”
“we can’t leave him. go on!”
no sense at all. but she was sure. so i ran.
a half an hour later they’d bundled the man off to the hospital, the gang had taken my friend back to tony’s place, and i was heading out to walk off the rest of the night. and to wonder what had just happened. none of it made any sense.
and i could tell i was gonna get no sleep.
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