the tolerance wars - 31
questions that need answering
every week
until it’s done
begin at the beginning—chapter 1
the tolerance wars
31.
questions that need answering
there’s nothing in the universe that can’t be misunderstood. so maybe it’s about how much uncertainty we can live with. and then how we navigate in a world where so much is unknown. of course we have no idea. could be standing on the edge of history. and not even know it. though i guess that’s where we always are. standing. facing the unknown. wondering.
my life, anyway. in all the ways.
wondering about tony’s music. whether what’s happening is a dead end to pull ourselves away from or some kind of future calling. wondering about archer. whether it’s something to lean into or just another bad idea ends up with people hurt. and i guess too, i found myself wondering about deiner’s world. whether all that was really gonna be our history. and for that matter how i felt about being under his protection. or maybe marcus had the right of it. do what you can to make things better.
eventually some wondering turns into understanding. doesn’t always happen all at once. can come like seasons. first there’s nothing. then the golden sheen of willow’s first growth funny thing for a town guy. but since i’se a kid i noticed. which is what i do. notice things. means i live in a state of surprise. or at least navigating between surprises. often things folks around me dealt with ages ago. i can also be the last one to notice it’s spring.
or to even remember that things change.
the entrance to the park was cool green, old benches ready for the shade of older trees standing tall in the early afternoon sun. soon enough the leaves would take on brilliant colours and rattle in the wind. but just now small breezes still sounded like the height of summer. and everything was deep green. with pavement warm enough to make me want to keep to the green so i headed up the long incline and over the first rise, walking on the wide expanse of grass edged by paved paths leading to places i didn’t need to go. down the other side of the rise and slightly to the right was the public garden. smallish and round, with paths cutting through the circle. gold and purple colours of fall replacing summer’s deep greens and brilliant flowers, though flashes of bright red said that it wasn’t all done yet. late flowers always made me smile.
i’d hugged rachel goodbye with a head full of my morning. my day needed to include a conversation with tony. but maybe better to wait until i had a few more thoughts together. i grabbed a bench in the dappled shade by the central trellis. if i had it right i had five minutes to catch my breath. make like a normal person.
“i got your message.” archer.
clearly i don’t wear a watch. normal will have to wait. then realized i’d said it out loud.
“that’s brave of you.”
“most of my life, really. waiting for the normal bits to come around.”
“if you wait long enough, do they?”
“never yet. not once. doesn’t stop me hoping.”
“and meanwhile?”
“the bits that aren’t normal. they keep me busy.”
“busy morning?”
“not normal. i hope. bunch of tony’s tunes got out in public. now we have to figure out what to do with it.”
“you have a plan?”
“not to panic. that’s as far as i got.”
“you had breakfast? your message sounded like you called from the club.”
“you’re right. there was breakfast. the day is not a total loss.”
“and now you’re here.”
“and so are you. you’re right. the day is looking up.”
“feel like a walk?”
yeah. normal could wait.
or maybe it was already here.
we headed in the general direction of the river. neither of us leading. just moving. neither of us feeling a need to fill the space. just being. it’s about pace. didn’t feel like my friend was doing science. and she didn’t have that look like she was setting out the results. and dealing with it. more like she was just being there. i heard a blackbird trill. wondered if it was the same one i’d heard echoing around this morning.
“birds make you smile.” hadn’t known that. hadn’t known she was looking at me.
“there’s a few i recognize.”
“from the sound.”
“don’t you?”
a small shake of her head. “that’s the easy part?” with a look i couldn’t read.
“robins wheedle and twirl, cardinal chirrups from the tallest place, or the best echo, blackbird’s a long trill somewhere near the water and every jay sounds like some major working part needs oiling. and is probably up to something.”
“you know them all?”
“not personally. and that’s prolly all i got.”
“really?”
“well, a goose sound like it’s annoyed you’re on the property. but everybody knows that.”
“of course.”
“goldfinch i can never remember until i hear it again. but it’s like robin, only lighter and smarter.”
“ah.”
i thought about it. “chickadee. which is what it sounds like. grackle’s a steel rake on concrete.” i thought about it some more. “i should stop.”
“no, go on.”
“clearly i have not been wasting my time.”
“clearly.”
“am i being patronized?”
“not even slightly.” a different look. which i also can’t read. “i’m charmed by your ability to not know something and somehow also help someone understand it.”
“i am also perfectly capable of going on at length about things i know nothing about. the trick is to know when that’s happening. i don’t have that trick.” i tried not to reflect on that too much. “at my best i can at least remind myself i am unaware of the geography of my ignorance.” sense of amen. maybe just me. “or the history.” thought about that for a second. “i should stop.”
“maybe.”
“it’s not hopeless. i take some comfort in knowing that even my ignorance has its limits. but yeah, blackbird hangs out in the reeds by the river,” i nodded, “just over there. and the cardinal likes the 20-foot tv antenna by my neighbour’s back door so we don’t do vocals when he’s digging the vibe. i know a few things.”
“and birds make you smile.”
“i never knew.”
with another look i didn’t understand she turned and headed off for the river. when we got there we paused along the path and took in the afternoon sun. felt good. just to recharge.
after a fair while she spoke first. looking out over the river. “being quiet. with someone.” sounded like there was more. don’t crowd the singer. after a while, “just never happened before.”
“if i say i’m not always at my smartest with my mouth open i’m not being quiet. this is a trick question.”
“i got a job offer.”
not what i was expecting. although in a way maybe i was. say the first thing that comes to mind. “so, moving on?”
“in a way. yeah. maybe. if i take it.”
i thought about it. “working for deiner?”
“that’s not the job.” she must’ve felt me blank from there, “although it would involve that.”
still nothing. then, ah, “working for limner.”
“maybe.”
“and you’re telling me this. isn’t that against some kind of code?”
“strictly speaking i didn’t tell you. and i made him promise i could.”
“tell me. why?”
“it’s hard to navigate a world with so many unknowns.” she turned from the river to me. “i’d like less of that in my life.” there’s a space. another look i couldn’t read.
“you gonna take it?” for some reason the smallest hint of eyebrow made me feel the need to add, “the job.”
“fairly certain deiner’s going to think that’s what i’m doing anyway.” she weighed it. “personally i think all i’m likely to find out is whatever deiner is happy to have limner know.” her head tilted slightly toward a bench. i nodded. we moved. long reeds upriver to the left. forty foot or so straight ahead is the other bank. between here and there the water flows. not fast but steady. green not rocky. a river to respect, but not to be afraid of. we took the bench. felt the sun. heard the water moving.
“so what d’you figure’s in it for you?”
she didn’t have to think about it, “a paycheck.”
“there’s that.”
“a lab,”
“alright.”
“a budget.”
“ah.”
“it doesn’t get much better than that.”
“there’s helping deiner establish a new world order.”
she shook her head. “he’s in the business of selling dreams.”
“bad ones.”
“if that’s what people are buying.”
“if that’s all they know is for sale.”
“what if you could change that?”
which stopped me. i was going to say that sounded optimistic. then i thought about tony’s music. maybe we were in the same business. and about knowing what’s for sale. and what it costs. “you think you might?”
“limner pointed out there are significant pools of capital out there being gathered. people are deciding what to do with it all. being associated with deiner gets me in the room. to be around those conversations. with a positive worldview. backed by good science. and a lab. and a budget. i could do worse. for a while anyway.”
“you know they’ll go where the money is.”
“at the very least they won’t be able to say no one told them any better.”
“look for better dreams.”
which made her smile. “yeah, i guess.” she thought about it. “what i’d be telling them. and i suppose what i’d be doing myself.” eyes over the water. “looking for better dreams.” wondering. then, “do you think that’s foolish?”
“i think i’m glad someone’s doing it. and i’m glad it’s you.” i leaned over and bumped shoulders gently but enough to know i was serious. “you can be very convincing.”
“thanks. i’m going to have to be.”
“do good science.”
“i’m going to have to speak their language.”
“meaning?”
“i’m going to have to finish my business degree.”
“you have that too?”
“i preferred science. but yeah. take me a year. i’d have the letters behind my name, brush up the basics, and get a sense of where current thinking is in that world.”
“you’ve got it figured out.”
“no. but maybe i’ve got some good next steps. if i decide.” eyes still out over the water. “maybe.”
“being in deiner’s world.” i flashed on his basement. that night. wasn’t what i meant. but what came to mind. what happened. all of us there. could tell from my morning i wasn’t the only one it was still on. likely here too. she didn’t move. “you alright?”
medium sigh and most of a smile. “i will be.”
“we walk, put the mind someplace else?”
“we walk.”
“and the mind?”
she nodded. “someplace else.” getting up from the bench i saw a thought occur. bit more of a smile. mostly in my direction. “distraction.” and a look i recognized. pretty sure i blinked. she started along the path before i could say anything more. probably just as well.
i caught up not far and we took in the breeze silent for a while. moving not talking. being with not ignoring. long enough i could feel the light change. start to feel like late afternoon without actually being there yet. i was no closer to what to do about tony’s tunes. but maybe i was getting more to a place where i could figure it out. figure it out with someone. good to know i don’t have to come up with all the solutions.
i am often wiser around others.
which apparently i said out loud.
yeah, she was shaking her head. “the most remarkable things fall out of your mouth.”
“you make it sound almost like a good thing.”
“so?”
“just i’m not used to…”
“it’s like intermittent radio.”
“charming?” i made a guess.
“distracting.”
“as in what’s that noise?”
“not so far.”
“you’ll let me know.”
“i will. though i find the sound of someone trying to be a better person reassuring.”
“your own private talk radio.”
“not distracting at all.” she moved just enough faster i had to keep up. in all the ways.
“so where would you go, if you moved on?” we’d made the long loop back to the entrance, benches still doing their job in the shade. distraction accomplished.
“well now, that’s part of what makes it interesting.”
“berlin?” wild guess at a groovy place.
“to start i can set up anywhere i want. we’ll see if that has to change.”
“anywhere? so where would you?” we’d made our way over the long rise and found ourselves at the garden again. meant as a fun ask, it somehow took on a bit of weight in the quiet around it.
then, “rachel’s fun to be around.”
“you got the wickedest look as it occurred to you to say that.”
“also probably true.”
we sat by the trellis in the garden. “i was thinking about something she said.”
“what was that?”
fall flowers, deep greens and purples, windsound silvery in the trees around us. “woman’s allowed to change her mind.”
“ah.”
“hadn’t occurred to me.”
i saw the thought register. then another look. she smiled. “is that all she said?”
“probably the important part.”
“mm.” a nod. “and?”
my turn to smile. “if i don’t she will.”
“yes. she told me that. right after i said a girl’s allowed to change her mind.”
“you said. i’m confused.”
“my life.”
“you’re not moving to berlin with rachel?”
“is not that confused.”
“would be massive fun.”
“i’d get no work done. ever.”
“wouldn’t. care.”
“not wrong. also not happening.”
“so, someplace you can get work done. without distraction.”
“without too much distraction.”
“d’you know what you’ll be working on?”
“looking at aspects of individual decision-making in large-scale models. to start.”
“there’s a business in that?”
“not yet. first there are questions that need answering. and technology that needs inventing.”
“more hats?”
“no. i think that’s done. this is more about large data sets.”
“so anywhere with good access.”
“i can be there.”
we sat with that. then smallest of head tilt almost no eyebrow, i nodded, we started another loop. up along the path. then the river. martins flitting over the water warmed enough by the sun to make it worth their while. no sign of the redwing in the reeds. somewhere working his own patch. slowly a thought occurred. may as well ask. “how’s here?”
definitely a smile. “shows promise.”
“i might be distracting?”
“i could be okay with that.”
and arced for the long line of trees far side. we rounded by the parking lot. half expected limner to be there. with me in the car. explaining that i should not be a pain. still mostly true.
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