the tolerance wars - 13
i made a thing
every week
until it’s done
begin at the beginning—chapter 1
the tolerance wars
13.
i made a thing
"not that he would've given you a straight answer." she'd knocked on the door a few minutes after i got home. now we were both sat on the couch, coffee in hand, both looking out my front window, while i gave her the rundown of the interview. she'd taken it all in quietly enough. whole new game. "even if he is supposed to be one of the good guys."
"it would be nice if there were good guys." i took a sip. "instead of just guys."
"you can say that again." a small laugh that didn't make it as far as the window. she looked after it for a while. "welcome to my life."
i decided not to think about that too much. "you know anything now that you didn't know before?"
she shook her head. "not really."
"so what do you know?"
she looked from the window to the floor. a small sigh. then back to the window. i waited. let her put her thoughts together. not that mine were any better. "i know that there are some people who are interested in something." she paused. then, "and that something may or may not exist."
i thought about that for a minute. "but they think it does. exist."
she nodded.
i waited. "and does it?"
she looked down again. a breath. then squared up and looked out the window. "i made a thing."
"you...?"
"...made. a thing.”
just for a second i was imagining a big red button with a massive g, whack it and you are hearing the voice of god. and that i bet my mom would've loved having that around. also that i was apparently looking at the woman who invented it. and that i was glad she was my friend. then i let the thought go. mostly.
she nodded. "i made a thing."
"you had some spare parts kicking around?”
that got a small laugh. a real one, though. nice. "sort of, yes.” she looked at me, as if she's finally sizing me up. "i had some spare budget."
"kicking around?"
"something like that."
"you had a budget?"
she nodded. "i'd pulled together practicals from three different sources. the results suggested one of the things i might be looking for. and that i could confirm it with some time on an mri unit."
"mri?"
"pictures of the brain when it's working."
"and you had one of those? kicking around?"
she smiled. i needed to stop liking that quite so much. "i didn't have that much of a budget." she shook her head. "no, i was able to get some time on a local machine. and while i was there, in several sessions over a few weeks, i was able to prove some basic concepts."
"and proving those basic concepts made it a thing?"
she shook her head. "once i'd used the mri as proof of what was going on, i didn't need to use the actual machine any more. it wasn't doing anything except taking pictures anyway. of what parts of the brain were active during the experiment.”
"you experimented on brains?"
"no knives. no implants. we induced a sensation. we confirmed that the person was feeling the sensation. then we took pictures of the electrical activity in their brain while they were feeling that sensation. and we compared those images with before and after."
"so this is making a thing?"
"no, this is just confirming that we can reproduce one kind of a result. and suggesting why it happens."
i waited. looked out the window. if i'm not seeing it, there's probably more to the story.
she was looking too. then again a sigh. "i knew my results weren't earth-shattering. as a matter of fact i thought it was trivial. so trivial that i thought i could demonstrate how unimportant the whole idea really was. and i knew it wouldn't take much to make the conditions to be able to reproduce the results. and i was getting some support."
"support?"
she nodded. "i got some money to get a proof of concept. for a bit of lab time. some time on the mri. and something for materials for any other gear i'd have to put together. and when i was done i'd come under budget with the mri work." she took another sip of coffee. "i'd had to assemble some parts to do the basic experiment anyway. and it didn't make sense to take it all apart. especially if i was going to have to reproduce the results at some point. it wasn't all that much, really. when you separated it out from the need to take pictures with the mri. all the various parts together could sit on a workbench and still leave room for a coffee. so i sorted that all out, made sure it was functional as a standalone device, and went away to work up my report. i didn't think much more about it."
"but it's a thing. an actual for real thing. you made a magic wand that makes you feel like god's talking to you." i was trying to turn any of that into a question. and not getting there.
"not a magic wand. more of a helmet or a hat. it's about stimulating circuitry in the brain. so if you can arrange for an accurate matrix of conductive points to sit in appropriate locations around the head, you can get the effect you're looking for. and once we'd narrowed it down based on the mri imagery, it turned out that it didn't take a lot of points. so the matrix of conductive points didn't have to be a something big that looked and felt like a cage."
string a few points together. and put them into some kind of lightweight frame. okay, i could see that. "so you made a hat?" i was thinking sondheim, but i let it pass.
"if you like. i made a hat. and a switchable network to access the conductive points in the hat. and the circuit to shape the right kind of electric power to go to the network. and some software to control the network. although it's a simple enough pattern that you could set up something mechanical. so i did."
"you just made all of that?"
"it's just soldering and circuits. my mom was an engineer. she taught me to have a healthy respect for the damage that could be done by electricity. or sharp objects. or dumb people. she also taught me to solder. and how to design circuits. i planned on being an electrical engineer."
"what happened?"
"engineers."
"i can respect that. so you made a hat. an awesome hat. because it makes you feel awesome?"
that made her laugh. "not quite."
"awesome-ness?"
"i suppose so, yes."
"it makes you feel you're in the presence of awesomenesss. so you made a hat of awesomeness."
she smiled and shook her head slightly. "i made something that can make you feel... something. it's a device."
"that you wear."
"yes."
"on your head?"
"yes you do."
"so it's a hat."
"i suppose it might be."
"so you made a hat of awesomeness. yeah, that's pretty cool. plus 2 charisma. plus 5 general grooviness. makes you feel like you're in the presence of god. and not doin' too shabby yourself."
"i should get you to write the project description for my next funding application."
"yeah?"
"uh huh. i wouldn't get a penny. but it'd be somehow really satisfying to submit."
"something to look forward to."
"penury."
"and really cool science. the hat of awesomeness."
"well, a hat, really."
"are there any others?"
"no, not likely."
"so it's the hat. of awesomeness."
"you're going to be really disappointed."
okay, so i was disappointed. while i made coffee, she’d gone home to get it and bring it back over to show me. demonstration to prove her point. now i was looking at it. turns out that when you take a handful of contact points and string them together with bits of wire, what you get doesn't so much look like a hat. more like a hairnet.
"it's still a hat."
"really?" she arched an eyebrow and gave me a 'you are still amusing me so you may continue' kind of half-smile.
"yeah, otherwise we have to call it the hairnet of disappointment. and that's just going to bum me out every time. although..." i turned to her, "...case it up in something like you'd wear to protect your head while playing hockey. or bike racing. that'd make it a helmet. right?"
"you'd only be adding unnecessary bulk. purely for appearance."
"absolutely correct. no question. however, you could be the person who invented the helm of awesomeness. i'm just sayin'."
it became a full smile. and a shaking of the head. "i'm not sure i could live with the responsibility. and why are you so interested in what it's called?"
"because there's power in a name. and there's the idea that what you call a thing is how people will see it. also," i shrugged, "it's a kind of fun i don't get to have every day." i bowed slightly in her direction.
she nodded her head in royal acceptance.
"besides," i continued, "if you don't name it somebody else will."
"i'd be fine with that."
"you press a button. suddenly god is in the room with you. you know they're gonna call it the helm of the lord." it was my turn for an eyebrow. "you really want that?"
my friend looked at me. long enough to blink. twice. then made a silent 'oh…’ i guess no, she hadn't considered it.
then a thought made me smile. "although i'll admit there's something in me that wouldn't mind it being the hairnet of the lord."
she winced. "we could just leave the ‘lord' out of this."
"you're the one who made the button."
"but it doesn't prove god is in the room. only that there's a mechanism in us for…” i could see she was struggling for words. “…feeling that there's something more in the universe than just ourselves, each of us here in our own body. a mechanism that allows us to feel the real bonds between people. or between people and the environment we live in. bringing god into it is only one way of expressing all of that."
"and that's limiting someone's appreciation of what you're demonstrating here. of course." i nodded my head in agreement. "but it wouldn't be the first time someone took what was going on and hacked off parts of their understanding so the whole thing could fit into a purely religious way of looking at it.” i shook my head. "no, it's not about what it is. it's about how someone might use it. or maybe," something had just occurred to me, "how someone wants to use it." i looked at my friend. "is that what's been going on?"
"it might be." a small sigh from her. "but why would anyone want to blow someone up over it?"
"you're asking me why people want to blow up other people when god's involved? i haven't got an answer for you. but there sure are folks who do exactly that. and before we invented bombs they did it in other ways. history's full of that. god seems to attract people who want to kill other people. and apparently he gives them a reason. if they're listening. but god doesn't talk to me. so what do i know. maybe it's just that i don't have a burning need for an angry white guy in my life. at least not another one. there's enough of them at city hall."
"but that's not what religion is supposed to be about."
"have you ever actually read the old testament? a fair bit of smiting there. in between the begats." i looked at my friend. "maybe somebody who's into smiting's got a keen interest in what you made."
"my budget came from a large healthcare company. if they have a religion it's money."
"you don't know what they do in their spare time. also you do seem to have more than one friend."
she seemed to need to think about that. i didn't have too much more to add to the conversation, so i waited. we both stared out the window for a while. not watching the parade. after a few minutes i asked. "so what now?"
"i don't know. i need to write a report, but this part of the work is done."
"and your magic wand?"
"no one knows about that right now."
"maybe you want to keep it that way?"
"for now." she nodded. "at least until i find out what's going on."
"and how do you intend to find out?"
"i don't know."
"breakfast?"
she blinked, confused. "it's the middle of the afternoon."
"an excellent time for breakfast. reboot the day. also i figure we could both use another round of caffeine. and maybe a change of scenery. shall we hit the club? they do breakfast all day. and there doesn't have to be tofu. for that matter there doesn't have to be breakfast. was just a thought."
"no, you're right. maybe restarting the day isn't a bad idea."
"i am capable of bad ideas also. but this might not be one of them."
she smiled. "thanks for this." we stood up from the couch. and she hugged me. this is a friend, i thought. don't get too carried away with feelings, i thought. you're going to help her out if you can. maybe just by listening. and then she's going to move on into the next part of her life. smile and wave. that's how this works. good to help people. that's what this is about.
i could feel a heart beating. but i wasn't sure if it was hers. or mine.
this was not supposed to happen.